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Filtering by Tag: Resume Writing

So You Wanna Be a Stripper... BUT ARE YOU TOO YOUNG?

Jacq

If you're asking this question in ernest - which you're probably not - then the answer is yes, you are probably too young. 

But no one ever thinks they're 'too young' to get into the sexy game so perhaps this post is a lost cause. 

I get a lot of emails from 18-year-olds who are ready to dry-hump their way to the Gucci flagship store. I've even received some queries from 16-year-olds. So I talked to the most successful strippers I know, and most of them got their start in their late-twenties. Because becoming an adult in the adult entertainment industry is very different than becoming an adult. 

My personal belief is that stripping is an adult job that should DEFINITELY NOT BE THE FIRST JOB YOU EVER HAVE. 

Stripping is NOT a normal job. It's fun, weird, rad, empowering and immensely inconsistent. If ass-clapping in a slingshot bikini and talking to strange men in the dark is your welcome to the work force, you are making a huge mistake. 

Here is a photo of me mere months before I became Jacq the Stripper.

I was 23. I was living in Thailand being a stock photography model:

The peak of my modeling career 

The peak of my modeling career 

Before that, I worked in advertising. (slacks, cubicles, data-entry... not my thing)

Before that, I graduated from university with a degree in Russian Literature and Cultural Theory. 

And before that I was a bartender, waitress, unreasonably-expensive-clothes-seller, bus girl, snowboard instructor, and petting zoo face-painter.

I had SO MANY SHITTY JOBS, and a handful of fun ones. (Teaching snowboarding is rad because the kids just want to be like you so they listen to everything you say. Bartending is great for the free booze and refusal to refill water glasses. But unless there is a strip club out there called THE PETTING ZOO, I'm never setting foot in one of those fucking things ever again.) The point is, I earned minimum wage and HOLY SHIT IS THIS EVER A RITE OF PASSAGE. 

You need a solid understanding of the basic cost of living before you surround yourself with people who throw around money like confetti. You are, after all, a tourist in the world of privilege. You're not a baller; you're a hustler. At least for now. 

Now let's talk about how you will never see men in the same way ever again:

The whole man-hating thing that happens to a lot of strippers is a very real thing. After your first shift, you will have so little faith left in the male species. In strip clubs, women are the ones in power. It makes men uncomfortable, and so they try on different personas to try to figure out how they are supposed to exist without being on top. The result is often a bevy of sad, pathetic, over-compensating, rude pigs. Our job is to wrangle money out of said pigs. 

Stripping is for thick-skinned, pragmatic cunts who crave a flexible work schedule and independent wealth. If you're one of those hopeless romantic types, stick to your day job.

Does what I'm saying make you sad? THEN YOU'RE NOT READY.

Does none of this information surprise you? THEN SLIP ON YOUR PLASTIC SHOES, GIRL, CUZ YOU ABOUT TO BE A STRIPPER. 

 

Resume Writing for Strippers

Jacq

The peak of my modelling career.

The peak of my modelling career.

August is a time for doing nothing while thinking about maybe doing something in September.

August is the recession for every stripper out there.

August is when strippers consider getting another job. A boring, stable, underpaid J-O-B.

 

The skills and life lessons one learns from shaking her tits and ass are invaluable. Want to know what makes strippers kind of useful in a maybe-but-probably-not sober environment with their clothes on?
 

Entertainer

Psychologist

Babysitter

Zookeeper

Ringmaster

Fantasy Girl

Aren't euphemisms great? And since I spend more time explaining why I enjoy being a naked dancer more than I ever actually dance, naked.... why omit it from a job application to Forever 21 or the United Nations?

Behold:

THE PROFESSIONAL ABILITIES OF JACQ THE STRIPPER: 

Communication skills:

  • Cunning Linguists: Strippers are ultimately masters of Universal Body Language. We also know the words for 'pussy,' 'tits,' 'money,' and 'bastard' in every modern language.
  • A stripper can cuss out just about anyone while shaving her legs, curling her eyelashes and smiling coyly at the next guy in line.

Problem Solving / Strategic Thinking:

  • Strippers are patient and persistent, even when the customer is wrong, stupid, sexist, drunk, fucked up and 'doesn't have to pay' for what he's about to pay for.
  • We get shit done in a loud, dimly lit and drunken environment all the while maintaining the composure and vacant expression of a Hot Dumb Bitch.

Business & Sales skills:

  • Self-motivated, entrepreneurial and competitive as fuck. It bears repeating: Strippers are dope-ass cunts who like money.
  • Outstanding aptitude for setting goals and meeting them: A stripper's path to success is paved with glitter. Everybody knows not to get between a stripper and her glitter.

Organizational Skills:

  • We can earn and save money while traveling just about anywhere:
    • Law of Scarcity + Evading Stalkers = Deliberately Elusive Mermaids.

Customer Service skills:

  • Sit, chat and purvey a 'connection' with dozens of clients on a nightly basis: a stripper can memorize hundreds of names, jobs, hometowns, kinks and credit card numbers.
  • She tailors her name, job, hometown and assortment of kinks to accommodate each client.
  • I got the best fake smile in my zip code.

Creativity:

  • Dance Machines: No matter how drunk we get, strippers can bop suggestively to a variety of shitty musical genres. If a stripper can work around the incompetence of a strip club DJ, she can do anything.

Adaptability & Agility:  

  • Internationally traveled hustler, friend, business woman and citizen of the intricate and universal web of titty bars: Strippers learn state laws faster than you can say Plato and Aristotle totally fucked.
  • Improv Queens: enterprising sluts always say yes, even when the client realizes after the sale closes that it was actually a 'no.'

*All of the aforementioned skills can be performed while wearing six inch stiletto platforms and downing successive shots of most types of distilled liquor.*

 

If there is anything you feel is missing from my skill set, this broke-ass hustler welcomes your input.

Fuck August.

 

*I cannot and will not drink rum unless it's served on a beach and in a hollowed-out tree fruit.