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Filtering by Tag: Portland

PORTLAND: baked as a cake



Portland I love you so hard. 

Last night was The Off Duty Stripper Talent Show at The Jack London Room and it was an epic gathering of dope-ass cunts who like money. 

It all began with Red of STROLL reaching out to me a month ago saying HEY I WANT TO HELP. You guys. This. This means everything. I am a one-woman show and I cannot do it without you. I have never been very good at asking for help, so when Red just came out and offered it, it made my heart sing. I said yes and I am so happy I did. 

This is Red here, with her puppy, Liam, and some FREELANCER stickers on her magnificent tits:

The show started with some riotous orgy jokes from local comic Wendy Weiss, and then we had Clover bust out the best stripper serenade on her accordion:

Maggie McMuffin - the dirtiest stripper of Seattle - made an appearance as Ernest Hemingway, and, as someone who has never read Hemingway, thought her impression SPOT FUCKING ON. 

Like, I know ABOUT Hemingway, in the way that I know about all the other literary greats I never read while completing my degree in fucking literature. I read the Cliff notes and it makes me a GREAT FUCKING COCKTAIL PARTY GUEST.

But you know who's a better cocktail party guest? 

Maggie McMuffin (With or without the beard. She's dope as fuck and let me touch her tit for this photo)

Writer and Poet Julia Laxer read an amazing piece about her experiences as an enterprising megababe, while Natalee juggled with glo-in-the-dark balls of happiness. 

Then Kat Snacks talked to us about her year as an Off Duty Stripper. (If you don't follow her on Twitter what have you been doing all your life? FIX THIS NOW.) 

Tits and Sass goddesses Susan Shepard and Kat Snacks proceeded to receive boobie blessings and I hated it. 

The show ended, so I could finally celebrate 4/20 in style and proceeded to smoke everyone's weed. 

But not before receiving the ultimate Stripper Handshake:


Then we took the after party to Yamhill's Pub where this fucking guy wouldn't leave us alone. 

So we went outside. 

To smoke more weed. 

And then Hardcore Mermaid goddess proceeded to take the girl band photos I requested:

This (obviously Canadian) hottie is Amanda. She is also a dope-ass cunt who likes money. 

We did some stripper yoga and puffed tuff.

Shoutout to the soap in the bathroom that is named after my first stripper alias: 


Thank you to everyone who came out. I can't wait for more Off Duty Stripper Talent Shows. I have a *feeling* this is going to start being a thing I do ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. 



Rodeo is a Portland stripsation who moved to New York last year ago to cut her teeth in the photo biz. Off Duty one whole year, we sat over litres of frozen margaritas to talk about her hiatus from the most empowering job experience she’s ever had.

Off Duty Stripper Rodeo looking' fly as fuck in the ODS T in size small, which she snipped into a delightful crop top. 

Off Duty Stripper Rodeo looking' fly as fuck in the ODS T in size small, which she snipped into a delightful crop top. 

What was the last day that you stripped?

It was a little over a year ago, back in Portland. They put my name up on the marquee, all of my fans came to see me... Every time I left the stage it was covered in money. There wasn't a single free seat at the rack. It was so tight.

How did you feel?

I remember looking at the stage at the end of the night, and seeing all the ones on it… I literally shed a tear. I was like, “this might be the end. “ I was really sad.

What got you into stripping?

When I was 21, we went to someone's birthday party, and it was at Sassy’s, which is an iconic Portland strip club. All of the girls were so confident. They were really owning themselves and their bodies. Growing up, I was always really self-conscious about the way I looked. I was like, “man, all of these girls are naked on stage, and they're fine with it... everyone else is fine with it. I wanna feel good about myself like that.” So I did it.

What do you miss most?

Honestly? Almost everything. It's funny because so many people are like, "dancing is so demeaning…" which is weird, because dancing has been the least demeaning job experience I've ever had. I got to make my own schedule, I made more than enough money to do whatever the fuck I wanted, and I could be generous to all of my friends. I was able to save up for a car, pay for college, move to New York… and if anyone bothered me, I could speak up.

Plus I had a lot of time on my hands, so I was good to myself. I worked out, I ate right. I was very physically active… it was fucking awesome. I'd never felt better about myself. Out here, working 14 hours a day, eating like shit, and feeling like nobody cares… I feel like a monster.

And I never really considered myself to be the most feminine girl... I used to ride horses, shovel shit and wear mens pants! But at night, I would put on my sparkly bikini, do my hair, put on eyeliner and heels... dancing was a time for me to embody my idea of femininity. And plus it's fucking FUN. It's a fun physical activity. I would always tell new girls, “if you're not sweaty by the time you get off stage, you're not doing it right.”

I dream about dancing all the time. I have dreams about doing pole tricks, heel clicks… leg shakes.

The leg shake! I love what that’s done for my own body image. Because I grew up with a serious case of white girl syndrome… I was always trying to be so skinny. As skinny (read: sickly) as fucking possible. But stripping and twerking and ass-clapping is all about women shaking what they have because they're proud of it.

I danced for five years, and for the first two years, having an ass wasn't popular. But then the whole Kim Kardashian thing happened, from which I directly and drastically profited. When she became a sex symbol, all of a sudden the way I looked was the way to look. A lot of the girls in Portland are the really thin sort of beautiful, so it was hard for me to get on the night shift. And when I did, I was the only one who looked like me. God bless Kim Kardashian, because all of a sudden I started making a shit ton of money. Guys were like, “Oh, girls with big butts are cool.” I was like “YES, FINALLY.”

What was the hardest part about the adjustment from begin a goddess in Portland to lugging around photography equipment in New York?

The hardest part was not feeling appreciated by anybody. At clubs, even though sometimes a guy will say or do something shitty, for every one guy like that, there's ten more dudes who are like, obsessed with you. It's not like I need that validation to get me through the day, but it was nice to know that I had a purpose. I know it sounds weird, but when I was dancing I felt like I had a fucking purpose.

What was your purpose?

To have real interactions with people that made them feel... better. I met some amazing people, and forged some really genuine friendhsips with some of my clients. There's a whole rainbow of weirdos out there who are actually quite endearing. We can help each other, and we can be nice to each other. Being nice is totally different from being professional. I feel like people appreciated the work I did. But out here in New York, if you don't show up to work one day, they'll fire you, and no one will care.

What are you doing now?

I'm freelancing as a photo assistant.

Do you love it?

I do love it. It's a lot better than having to wake up really early to go to a normal job every day. I did that for a little over a year, working in an equipment room at a photo studio. It's really nice to be able to make my own schedule again.

Are you going to go back to stripping?

I'm thinking about it. I have my heels stashed in my closet...  But I feel like I got so spoiled in Portland. I’m covered in tattoos… there's more 'my kind ' of client there. New York is fucking tough. I don't know if i'm ready to start back at the bottom again.

But you'd got back to Portland for a stripcation?

Oh fuck yeah.