What you need:
- a space where you can be topless without getting arrested (for a sweatier workout, choose a place where you will probably get arrested.)
- a sturdy chair
- a stranger (ideally middle-aged and male, but any of-legal-age stranger will do)
- high heels
- a trashy mini-dress
- shitty top-40 music (8 hours’ worth)
Wake up between 10am and 4pm
Start your day off by eating a leisurely breakfast of Mimosas, eggs, avocado, Reece's Puffs or whatever the fuck you want. Drink a bathtub of water, as you won't be having any later.
About an hour before you start your workout, eat something substantial that won’t leave you hungry after your first set. I usually opt for brown rice and vegetables.
THE WORK OUT:
Take your chair and set it in the middle of your workout space.
Sit your stranger in the chair.
Put on the highest heels you have. Slip into the slutty dress. It should not have any zippers.
Standing in a straddle over your stranger - who is staring at you, breathing heavily and judgmentally - do the following:
- Slip off dress over your head or ass. (However you like, as long as you do it while standing up, appearing effortlessly blasé and horny at the same time)
- 20 squats
- 3 hair flips
- 20 dips
- 3 hair flips
- 80 hip undulations (40 clockwise, 40 counterclockwise)
- 5 hair flips
Remaining standing, slip dress back on.
Every hour, dance off-beat to three songs.
Don't forget to smile. But like, not a real smile. A slutty duck-face one.
Repeat for 8 hours, or until you collapse from exhaustion or alcohol poisoning.
ON STAYING HYDRATED:
In the words of my home girl Chelsea Handler, alcohol is your friend!
But not all of them! Remember the following three words:
vodka, soda, lime.
Your stranger in the chair will be begging to source this for you. He will NOT however, be willing to get you water. He wants you to get drunk with him. Kiss your love for H20 goodbye, along with whiskey, rum and Alizé. And for fucks sake, NO BEER. Beer makes you bloated and fat. Everyone knows that. Champagne also makes you bloated and gassy, but it is permissible in the stripper diet while beer is not. Because beer is for dads, and champagne is for dope-ass cunts who like money.
Cheez Ballz are great. It's basically eating chemicals, air, and food colouring.
At the end of the night when you're drunk and yearning to inhale a large quantity of salt, Cheez Ballz will sate your every need without turning you into a total heffer by tomorrow afternoon when you wake up.