I've never been a lottery-ticket buyer. I feel like it's humiliating... paying a dollar to a mystery organization for letting me think I might be lucky. I'm already lucky for having a mother who could afford (and insisted I get) braces, for having relatively symmetrical tits, and for being so goddamn FUNNY (it really is a gift).
I DO however, fantasize about being rich. You know, like selling a billion copies of The Beaver Show (have you bought it yet?) or whatever.
But, because I'm a dummy for love... I bought a Powerball ticket for my wife. Ok fine I'm a hopeless fucker just like the rest of you who dreams of wealth and power it's true it's true.
HERE IS WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WON THE POWER BALL:
I would buy every strip club where I've ever worked.
I would fire all the shitty managers (read: most of them).
I would hire women to staff the entire venue.
Patrons of all genders will be welcome to come and worship the ladies, and as House Fucking Madam I will no longer take 50% of the dancer's earnings (that's what pimps do and all pimps need to either die or suck the dick all by their damn selves), but a normal fucking FIFTEEN PERCENT like a regular fucking agent.
Then I will go on to buy every single strip club in America.
And then the rest of the world.
If it's women you want to see in the strip club, then it's women you're going to see running the whole goddamn joint.
I'll be so fucking rich that I'll buy myself out of every lawsuit that claims I've fired someone for his gender (damn straight I'm going to fire every last dick-wielding dude in the business.) They will get severance pay or whatever because I'm spiteful, yeah, but I'm not evil.
The men I fire will be awarded full scholarships to college where they may only study gender studies.
THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN IN MY FEMINIST STRIPPER UTOPIA:
1. CHRIS BROWN'S MUSIC WILL NEVER BE PLAYED EVER AGAIN. MARGARET CHO AND PEACHES WILL BE THE RESIDENT DJ's.
2. ''GOWNS' WILL BE ERADICATED FROM THE STRIPPER DRESS CODE
3. WEDNESDAYS WILL BE DAISY DUKE NIGHT
4. IN ADDITION TO PAYING A COVER CHARGE, ALL MALE CLIENTS MUST PROVIDE CONTACT INFORMATION FOR THEIR MOTHER, WIFE, SISTER OR DAUGHTER UPON ENTRY. IF THEY MISTREAT OR ABUSE THE PRIVILEGE OF BASKING IN THE BEAUTY OF THE DANCERS, MANAGEMENT WILL CALL THE AFOREMENTIONED PERSON TO ALERT THEM OF HIS BEHAVIOR.
5. THE DRESSING ROOM WILL HAVE LEGIT SNACKS THAT AREN'T STALE PRETZELS (I'm talking cheetos, sliced canteloupe, soprasetta and nutella...)
6. ONE DOLLAR BILLS WILL BE BANNED.
7. ZERO CALORIE CHAMPAGNE WILL FLOW FROM A CRYSTAL FOUNTAIN (I poached Nigella Lawson and the finest from NASA to invent that shit)
8. PATRONS WILL BE LIGHTLY SLAPPED ON THE NOSE WITH A ROLLED-UP NEWSPAPER FOR NOT SAYING 'THANK YOU' AFTER AN ENTERTAINER HAS SO GRACIOUSLY DANCED FOR HIM.
9. MY HAIR WON'T GET STUCK IN MY LIP GLOSS (again, when you have money you can hire whomever to invent whatever the fuck you want.)
10. THERE WILL BE A VIP PIZZA PARTY ROOM WHERE THE GIRLS WEAR JAMMIES AND THE GUY GETS TO LEARN HOW TO FRENCH BRAID (all for only $10,000/hr)
So - since I'm not going to win the lottery maybe just tell all your friends to buy my book so we can really truly bring my feminist stripper utopia to life, yeah?