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PORTLAND: baked as a cake



Portland I love you so hard. 

Last night was The Off Duty Stripper Talent Show at The Jack London Room and it was an epic gathering of dope-ass cunts who like money. 

It all began with Red of STROLL reaching out to me a month ago saying HEY I WANT TO HELP. You guys. This. This means everything. I am a one-woman show and I cannot do it without you. I have never been very good at asking for help, so when Red just came out and offered it, it made my heart sing. I said yes and I am so happy I did. 

This is Red here, with her puppy, Liam, and some FREELANCER stickers on her magnificent tits:

The show started with some riotous orgy jokes from local comic Wendy Weiss, and then we had Clover bust out the best stripper serenade on her accordion:

Maggie McMuffin - the dirtiest stripper of Seattle - made an appearance as Ernest Hemingway, and, as someone who has never read Hemingway, thought her impression SPOT FUCKING ON. 

Like, I know ABOUT Hemingway, in the way that I know about all the other literary greats I never read while completing my degree in fucking literature. I read the Cliff notes and it makes me a GREAT FUCKING COCKTAIL PARTY GUEST.

But you know who's a better cocktail party guest? 

Maggie McMuffin (With or without the beard. She's dope as fuck and let me touch her tit for this photo)

Writer and Poet Julia Laxer read an amazing piece about her experiences as an enterprising megababe, while Natalee juggled with glo-in-the-dark balls of happiness. 

Then Kat Snacks talked to us about her year as an Off Duty Stripper. (If you don't follow her on Twitter what have you been doing all your life? FIX THIS NOW.) 

Tits and Sass goddesses Susan Shepard and Kat Snacks proceeded to receive boobie blessings and I hated it. 

The show ended, so I could finally celebrate 4/20 in style and proceeded to smoke everyone's weed. 

But not before receiving the ultimate Stripper Handshake:


Then we took the after party to Yamhill's Pub where this fucking guy wouldn't leave us alone. 

So we went outside. 

To smoke more weed. 

And then Hardcore Mermaid goddess proceeded to take the girl band photos I requested:

This (obviously Canadian) hottie is Amanda. She is also a dope-ass cunt who likes money. 

We did some stripper yoga and puffed tuff.

Shoutout to the soap in the bathroom that is named after my first stripper alias: 


Thank you to everyone who came out. I can't wait for more Off Duty Stripper Talent Shows. I have a *feeling* this is going to start being a thing I do ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.