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The Beaver Show Tour Diary: Baltimore

Jacq

The Beaver Show Book Tour kicked off in John Waters' hometown this weekend.

It was the best 24 hours of my life (after my wedding and all those times I did ketamine).

Originally I told my wife, "I have a show in Baltimore, if you're not busy..."

Then this happened:

FUN FACT: Danielle can produce a group vacation in twenty minutes flat. 

Two cars, seven people and four pee breaks later, we are all chowing down on crab cakes ready for my out-of-state jokester debut. 

But before we could make our way to the venue, I had to make an attempt at curling my hair with this busted Con-Air p.o.s I snagged from my old club's lost and found...

...while Georgian treasure Luke fuckin' Senkbeil gets iced.

What's "iced," you ask?

It's when you find a Smirnoff Ice in the refrigerator of your Airbnb and force your favourite pal to get down on one knee and chug the whole goddamn thing.

FUN FACT: The first thing I ever got drunk on was SMIRNOFF ICE. I was 15 and sitting in my friend's parents' basement and my cheeks felt so WARM and then after two whole bottles of the shit I curled up in one of the 14 guest rooms and took a nap. 

OTTOBAR was a great goddamn success of chuckles. Mike Quindlen and Kim Ambrose ran this free comedy S#!TSHOW while a school musical recital was happening downstairs. 

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WE LAUGHED, WE CRIED, I SOLD SOME BOOKS and then Ottobar turned into a lesbian dance party and my heart and vagina exploded with asymmetrical-haircut-loving joy.

I drank too many vodka sodas, threw a minor tantrum (I'm way cunty when I'm hangry) and made everyone leave mid-Mariah to go eat tacos. 

If you are in Baltimore GO EAT EVERYTHING AT CLAVEL. It is a magical restaurant with kind people serving up fat tacos and artery-clogging queso fundido. 

Then we all drank some more, made questionable choices, and woke up the next morning feeling like shit.

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But nothing cures a hangover like a Diet Coke. I chugged a liter of cola before my pals Joel and Lars of Hobo Radio showed up to record The Hobo Radio podcast.

We talked about Michael Bay's least-sexist film - Armageddon - while slamming Tecate tall-boys. You'll be able to hear all about it soon. 

I dropped some copies of The Beaver Show off at Atomic Books, ate six pads of butter with a HEART-SHAPED BISCUIT from Golden West Cafe, and then drove home. 

NEXT STOP: MONTREAL