The Beaver Show Book Tour kicked off in John Waters' hometown this weekend.
It was the best 24 hours of my life (after my wedding and all those times I did ketamine).
Originally I told my wife, "I have a show in Baltimore, if you're not busy..."
Then this happened:
FUN FACT: Danielle can produce a group vacation in twenty minutes flat.
Two cars, seven people and four pee breaks later, we are all chowing down on crab cakes ready for my out-of-state jokester debut.
But before we could make our way to the venue, I had to make an attempt at curling my hair with this busted Con-Air p.o.s I snagged from my old club's lost and found...
...while Georgian treasure Luke fuckin' Senkbeil gets iced.
What's "iced," you ask?
It's when you find a Smirnoff Ice in the refrigerator of your Airbnb and force your favourite pal to get down on one knee and chug the whole goddamn thing.
FUN FACT: The first thing I ever got drunk on was SMIRNOFF ICE. I was 15 and sitting in my friend's parents' basement and my cheeks felt so WARM and then after two whole bottles of the shit I curled up in one of the 14 guest rooms and took a nap.
OTTOBAR was a great goddamn success of chuckles. Mike Quindlen and Kim Ambrose ran this free comedy S#!TSHOW while a school musical recital was happening downstairs.
WE LAUGHED, WE CRIED, I SOLD SOME BOOKS and then Ottobar turned into a lesbian dance party and my heart and vagina exploded with asymmetrical-haircut-loving joy.
I drank too many vodka sodas, threw a minor tantrum (I'm way cunty when I'm hangry) and made everyone leave mid-Mariah to go eat tacos.
If you are in Baltimore GO EAT EVERYTHING AT CLAVEL. It is a magical restaurant with kind people serving up fat tacos and artery-clogging queso fundido.
Then we all drank some more, made questionable choices, and woke up the next morning feeling like shit.
But nothing cures a hangover like a Diet Coke. I chugged a liter of cola before my pals Joel and Lars of Hobo Radio showed up to record The Hobo Radio podcast.
We talked about Michael Bay's least-sexist film - Armageddon - while slamming Tecate tall-boys. You'll be able to hear all about it soon.
NEXT STOP: MONTREAL