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So You Wanna Be a Stripper.... BUT ARE YOU TOO LATE?


Your tits might not look as great as they did when they were levitating beneath your Backstreet Boys t-shirt.

Perhaps you're curvier than that summer when you went to theatre camp and all you learned were various blowjob techniques.

Maybe you can't drink like you used to.


If your sole concern is that you're not as thin as you used to be, shut the fuck up; you’re annoying. Get on the fucking stage and pay that rent.

Here’s why:

There are two (or really hundreds, but for the sake of this article, let's say two) types of men who frequent strip clubs: Pedophiles and Worshippers.

In my experience, Pedophiles are cheap and mildly exploitative while the Worshippers do as you say and just want to bask in your light. It's ok if you don't look like you're 12 anymore. The more you look like you’ve crushed a ball or two under your heels, the better!

You're also probably not the dumbass you used to be. In your ripe age of 28 or 46, you know when a guy tells you he's “a photographer” and that he “loves your look” that he's full of shit. I FOR ONE DID NOT KNOW THIS AND HAD CREEPY PHOTOS TAKEN OF ME WHEN I WAS 18. (What's worse is that they aren't even of my tits. They’re just bad photos). Being able to wade through all the bullshit of dollar tips and empty promises takes a bit of panache that only years of wading, rage and jello shooters can provide.

Do you have rage, spite and a nose for Benjamins? YOU’LL BE A NATURAL.

“But what about my cellulite?” you may ask again as you’re trying on bikinis at Forever 21.

For reasons I still cannot understand, Forever 21 dressing rooms have the worst lighting in the world. Strip clubs are deliberately dimly lit with red lights because LIGHTING IS EVERYTHING. I'd fuck a goddamn hot dog if it was twirling around a brass pole beneath flashing red lights.

Heels are also everything, but you already know that.

And still you may protest: “But I saw these Brazilian women... and they were so soft and sensual and yet toned and fierce...” BRAZILIAN WOMEN ARE IN A CLASS OF THEIR OWN. If you are Brazilian, you can be 74, hop on that stage for the first time ever and send my lily white ass home begging for bus fare. If you're not Brazilian, you can still be a stripper. Just don't pick Gisele as a stage name, you'll only embarrass yourself.

“BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BIFOCALS, JACQ?” I watch so much porn with bespectacled hotties. Just make sure to put one of those safety straps on so they don't fly off when you're whippin' that hair.

Be sure to stretch thoroughly before you embark on your hair flipping journey.

Be sure to stretch thoroughly before you embark on your hair flipping journey.

If you're never too old to be objectified, then you're never too old to capitalize on it.

Good luck, you silver-foxed rookies.