BE IT RESOLVED THAT, IN 2016:
1. I will not drink six different kinds of alcohol with Adderall. I will stick to the stripper pyramid of happiness, efficiency and health:
2. I will actually dance on stage even if no one is tipping, watching, or in the club.
i) I will harbor resentment for the power-tripping DJ just the same.
3. Instead of spending $15 on six hot wings every night, I will bring my own lunch to work.
4. I will find a legal and adequate replacement for bitch-slapping disrespectful clients. (submissions welcome)
5. I will take The Beaver Show to strange corners of the world where dope ass cunts who like money can drink, dance and dish war stories in empathetic fellowship.
HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAY YOU RING IN 2016 BY MAKING OUT WITH A GOOD KISSER AND PAYING THE RENT ON TIME.