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AN ODE TO NICKELBACK

Jacq

Originally posted on Tits and Sass for Stripper Music Monday. 

I love Nickelback.

Since the dawn of time it has been quite trendy to hate them. But with last summer’s resurgence of normcore, maybe Nickelback finally has a place in the lexicon of pop culture’s tastemakers.

And this is Stripper Music Monday and since when do strippers give a fuck about being ahead of the curve regarding trend forecasting? We don’t. We care about money. When the DJ makes some lethargic attempt at a beat-match to crank up the latest Nickelback jam, a stripper knows she’s about to make some coin.

Because every single Nickelback releases immediately becomes the next douche anthem.

 

“Rockstar” is the basic bro’s song for when he wants to feel like a filthy baller:

I’m gonna dress my ass with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to blow my money for me.

– “Rockstar”

 

Nickelback’s new record, No Fixed Address, will be released November 4, in case you were wondering. The band posted this track list on their Facebook page.

Can you blame him? These wholesome Canadian boys are the slightly less filthy versions of Kid Rock and only wistfully as naughty as the bad boys of Motley Crue. They are the house brand of coolness that every radio station will play to fill time and keep their commuters tuned in.

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you’re not impressed
While you put me to the test
I like the white stains on your dress

– “Figured You Out”

I want all my basic bros out there to feel like filthy ballers. Get gritty, grimy and tacky and throw away whatever money you probably shouldn’t be spending and let’s all have a good fucking time drinking well whiskey.

What’s more is that I’m pretty sure Chad Kroeger is in our corner when it comes to writing rock ballads about enterprising sluts:

Well she ain’t no Cinderella
When she’s getting undressed
‘Cause she rocks it like the naughty wicked witch of the west
Far too pretty to be giving it cheap
That’s why she’s making six figures working three days a week

– “Shakin’ Hands”

Unlike so many other bands, Nickelback ain’t perpetuating no sad-stripper trope. Chad Kroger worships our freckles and enthusiastic sluttery. Even if he himself is a Basic Bro and probably not well-versed in the writings of bell hooks, at least he is relatively stoked about women doing whatever the fuck they want.

Call it nepotism, but I am going to argue that it requires some skill to create the most derivative and catchy rock and roll out there for the Everyman. Nickelback is unpretentious and celebrates the good times no one is having anymore because the Basic Bro is broke, underpaid or unemployed, and probably facing foreclosure on a home he thought he could afford 15 years ago. Times are still shitty for the working class man and woman and don’t us strippers know it.

So blast me some of this rock shit and let’s throw around some fives like it’s going out of style.

Click here to read the original piece and fall into a vortex of Basic Bro music videos.