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Resume Writing for Strippers

Jacq

The peak of my modelling career.

The peak of my modelling career.

August is a time for doing nothing while thinking about maybe doing something in September.

August is the recession for every stripper out there.

August is when strippers consider getting another job. A boring, stable, underpaid J-O-B.

 

The skills and life lessons one learns from shaking her tits and ass are invaluable. Want to know what makes strippers kind of useful in a maybe-but-probably-not sober environment with their clothes on?
 

Entertainer

Psychologist

Babysitter

Zookeeper

Ringmaster

Fantasy Girl

Aren't euphemisms great? And since I spend more time explaining why I enjoy being a naked dancer more than I ever actually dance, naked.... why omit it from a job application to Forever 21 or the United Nations?

Behold:

THE PROFESSIONAL ABILITIES OF JACQ THE STRIPPER: 

Communication skills:

  • Cunning Linguists: Strippers are ultimately masters of Universal Body Language. We also know the words for 'pussy,' 'tits,' 'money,' and 'bastard' in every modern language.
  • A stripper can cuss out just about anyone while shaving her legs, curling her eyelashes and smiling coyly at the next guy in line.

Problem Solving / Strategic Thinking:

  • Strippers are patient and persistent, even when the customer is wrong, stupid, sexist, drunk, fucked up and 'doesn't have to pay' for what he's about to pay for.
  • We get shit done in a loud, dimly lit and drunken environment all the while maintaining the composure and vacant expression of a Hot Dumb Bitch.

Business & Sales skills:

  • Self-motivated, entrepreneurial and competitive as fuck. It bears repeating: Strippers are dope-ass cunts who like money.
  • Outstanding aptitude for setting goals and meeting them: A stripper's path to success is paved with glitter. Everybody knows not to get between a stripper and her glitter.

Organizational Skills:

  • We can earn and save money while traveling just about anywhere:
    • Law of Scarcity + Evading Stalkers = Deliberately Elusive Mermaids.

Customer Service skills:

  • Sit, chat and purvey a 'connection' with dozens of clients on a nightly basis: a stripper can memorize hundreds of names, jobs, hometowns, kinks and credit card numbers.
  • She tailors her name, job, hometown and assortment of kinks to accommodate each client.
  • I got the best fake smile in my zip code.

Creativity:

  • Dance Machines: No matter how drunk we get, strippers can bop suggestively to a variety of shitty musical genres. If a stripper can work around the incompetence of a strip club DJ, she can do anything.

Adaptability & Agility:  

  • Internationally traveled hustler, friend, business woman and citizen of the intricate and universal web of titty bars: Strippers learn state laws faster than you can say Plato and Aristotle totally fucked.
  • Improv Queens: enterprising sluts always say yes, even when the client realizes after the sale closes that it was actually a 'no.'

*All of the aforementioned skills can be performed while wearing six inch stiletto platforms and downing successive shots of most types of distilled liquor.*

 

If there is anything you feel is missing from my skill set, this broke-ass hustler welcomes your input.

Fuck August.

 

*I cannot and will not drink rum unless it's served on a beach and in a hollowed-out tree fruit.