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Secrets of the Stripperhood: Stealth Moves


The second I slip into my plastic shoes, I am in character. Everything that follows is performance art. In strip clubs, someone is always watching from some sort of dark, horny and judgmental corner. For an ego like mine, it's thrilling as fuck. 

Since an average shift can range from 6 to 12 hours, professional naked chicks have developed quite the coded routine to stay healthy, hot, and sane. 

Want to know how to maintain the shellacked sheen of a Pageant Slut all the while digesting your vodka-soaked Wheaties? 

It's easy! 

The Yawn:

See how I'm displaying a feat of strength, grace and tits all the while obscuring my face? That's because I'm about to bust a huge yawn. THE ILLUSION is that I'm throwing my head back in ecstatic pleasure, but really I just don't give a fuck and need to cool my brain

NOTE: Throwing the head back in 'ecstatic pleasure' is also a great move to roll one's eyes or dodge the all-too-common putrid eons-of-cigarettes-and-beer breath.


The Stretch:

While on stage - or on a leopard-print bean bag chair - lay on your back, lift your legs up straight, and spread them into a straddle (IF YOU FAIL TO POINT YOUR FUCKING TOES WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS).

If you're a virgin and don't know anything, in fuck-terms this is called the SPREAD EAGLE. It's explosive, usually "too... gashy," and GREAT for stretching out the hip joints! Also, when you lift your legs up like this it gives your swollen feet a moment of respite. When a foot fetishist is nowhere to be found, this is a great opportunity to show those tootsies the break they need and deserve.

The Fart: 

The Nicki Minaj is great for letting a good fart rip. Just make sure you're pretty far upstage, unless of course there is a douchebag or kinkster who should be farted on. In that case, relax that rectum, relieve those stomach cramps and throw caution to your wind!

Also, if you've ever taken a yoga class, you know that this is the sure-fire fart-and/or-quif move that looks like, totally super cute!

But be warned: you WILL fart if you do it, so invert judiciously. 


The Cheer-Up:

On average, a stripper meets a fuckwit every thirty minutes. These fuckwits are often worthy of verbal or physical assault, but since we don't want our shift to be cut short by getting carted off to the clink, most of the time we have to swallow our pride and walk the fuck away. To remedy the rage, get on that motherfucking stage, dance hard and fast and use that pole to climb and invert with reckless abandon (the slutty kind). 

Happy Hustling, Cunts!